I'll get the previous days' entries up as soon as I can. Today the group decided to take a rest day, and being the good friend that I am I caved. I didn't take much convincing, trust me. Obviously my muscles needed the break, but I wasn't counting on where my mind would wander without the strain of the trail to focus it. I feel like I've been on the verge of crying all day, and I don't know why. I think of where I am and where I want to be. The latter being vague, the path between even more amorphous. I have nothing to complain about. I am in a wonderful position, with almost limitless options on where I go from here and so many great people around me. I am having a wonderful time at my current adventure. But I still have this sense of pain. My past feels unresolved and my regrets are eating at me.
I wonder what could have been different. How things would have changed if I had applied myself more in college, prioritized others in my life, and cared as much about the present as the future. I wonder what I have given up because of my decisions. I know I need to resolve these issues. I don't know how. One of my friends that I am staying with here has had his parents in town for the day. I was speaking with his father who expressed his desire to hike the trail after his retirement. I could see the excitement in his eyes, a love for his son, a pride and vicarious joy. I miss my dad. I wish I could see that in his eyes.
Anybody out there have any good reading material? Maybe something to help in this personal improvement, maybe just something to take my mind off of it.
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ReplyDeleteDaddy was always proud of who you were and the decisions you made. That wouldn't have changed today. I am so glad that you two had so much time together. Your bond was VERY rare. His sun rose and set on you boys. My biggest regret is the time I missed with you because of work, the only consolation was that you were in great hands. It is just opinion, but you never really grieved. Maybe there, surrounded by God and Daddy, it is your opportunity to grieve now. You are very insightful, you might not need self help books as much as time to embrace your loss and the huge void Daddy has left in all of our lives. I wish that I could be more for you, I am sorry that I can't fill his void. I love you
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